Ramblings Of Slander & Dismay

If I say FUCK THE WORLD - it's only because I feel like it's trying to fuck me first- with you coming in rapidly in second place-- there are no emotions left for me to share- just a blank look on my face.

So, I'm sitting here shedding my blood, sweat and tears over my pen and pad- my losses so great- to get half of the way to where I am today, most would go mad. Unnecessary sacrifices, necessary compromises- and some things seemed out of my control. The pain feels like a dull, rusty box cutter - tearing into my soul. I've walked in silence, and to some, it seems easy-- what I do, who I am, what I give on a daily-- but honestly, they don't know the life I live-- BUT MAYBE if I leaked a little out in a rhyme or two- I can make it clear to a few- that I'm two tears from crying a river and one more lonely day in dismay won't make a difference to me. I've already learned to appreciate my moments of insanity. Just now, I wish that people can see my SELFLESSNESS and in turn, appreciate me-- but that's far from what I see. Single mother, NOW, wait, don't get it twisted, NOT A PITY PARTY I'm after. I just want to feel what it feels like to be overjoyed and filled with laughter. I wonder how my babies' daddy can smile and take pride in a child that he's not supporting-- I just feel sorry for the next female he thinks about courting. I can't see myself loving or respecting a person for some of the things my past has put me through- but I've been blessed beyond my wildest dreams- and as it continues, for that I want to say, I LOVE & THANK YOU... You've prepared me, I want to say by driving me crazy-- hitting on me when you're busy schedule was free-- and openly denying our babies.

My story's not done, cause I'm the only one who can tell it right. So much has happened, I'm trying to make sure I'm accurate despite-- the fact that my body is weak and my mind is shaky. I'm now slow to speak-- cause my jaws are achy- from sucking up juicy lines- wasting time responding to bullshit ass promises-- AND NOW I'M PROMISING MYSELF TO NEVER DO IT AGAIN-- sometimes I find myself crying because I don't have anyone to talk to about this- but with the way it's been lately- fuck having friends. Are they really friends or are they foes? Are they just an illusion of confusion and chaos designed to keep me on my toes-- with an eye open to watch their next move? What difference does it make anyway? An enemy's approach is always easy and smooth. I can't see myself in anyone Else's eyes, I only see my own reflection in myself- that makes me a loner- forced to walk this road of death... Like my parents- I've watched them go- slipped right through the cracks- and for that- people want to pat you on the back- but I don't take kindly to that. This shit hurts- REAL PAIN-- I can't sleep, cause I refuse to eat and all I get is "Sorry to hear that." Save that one for someone who believes that shit- it sure as hell ain't me. If you can't help me through with full support- save your corny ass "sympathy" lines- I don't need them-- I'm good... Oh, I'm pushing' buttons now? Well, truly I think it's time that I should. I've lost more hair without chemo- than I've ever planned to, and while it's growing back, I know what I HAVE to do. LET IT OUT- SHOUT IT IF IT MEANS THAT I'LL START THE HEALING PROCESS and my hair and the hole in my heart grows back. I need to try and see if I can get better sleep at night, while beginning to get my life on the right track.

EVERYONE who is ANYONE who is HUMAN can say that what I've done was HUMAN-- for caring for HUMANS that aren't quite HUMANE.... Allowing them to corrupt my brain- is no more an option, for I've gone insane. Now, for a change- I'm crazy about me-- fuck it if you don't feel this rambling poet-- from the beginning, that's how it should be...

© 2010 Kanday Reign-Ali