It's time to just do it... Rambling

I have been searching through myself, my lifestyle, and my motives behind the things that I do. Honestly, there have been so many things about me that have changed dramatically, only igniting that fire in me to continue to move forward in the development of who I am in the process of becoming the final vision that I see in the near future. One thing that I have noticed about me is that since the start of this journey- I found myself no longer comfortable with what I was taught to believe, think or even be, and as long as I don't pursue a greater cause- I will only live with this self loathing, wondering what I would have turned out to be if I followed my heart and it's beating need to be inside a person who is truly living.

I'm embracing a new me, a new way of looking at life and what I attract to me. It's not easy, because I find myself wanting to go with my initial human instinct- but I've realized that I can not punk out and go that route. I'd rather be out of the comfort zone of who I was in order to become what I know I need to be. How many people do you know who are willing to give this in life? I'm ready to live for the development of others- knowing that by giving a mere portion of me will continue to live on in the through that contribution. That means more to me than anything I could possibly accomplish alone or just worrying about myself and my children. I have learned to see a bigger picture, and place my pieces where they fit in order to encourage others to place their pieces down as well- with full knowledge that WE are who makes us stronger- not just me alone. I'm strong, I know this, but with support and a positive common ground being our initial drive- EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE... My life is no longer a strife for me- but a constant assisting in the development of providing and implementing ways to change the world. My fight is not against anything- but for an alternative way to view, create and encourage others to choose that way instead of fighting against what they are giving power to!

I'm not comfortable with my level of knowledge, because I know that I can learn so much more that will help me in my journey and be beneficial to both myself and those who I've been blessed to have around me. I'm not comfortable with what I do for my community, because I know that I can be a stronger asset and blessing to those who are directly and indirectly involved in bettering the world we live in. I'm not satisfied with my health- because I'm still fighting against myself with foods I know I'm not supposed to ingest, and others who have issues with my choice in eating healthier and choices to continue to change how I nourish my body. I'm constantly questioned as to how I believe- or if I'm a certain religion, and frankly it makes me sick. I don't ever want to be constricted by the thoughts of others because of my views being different from theirs.

I'm getting tired of a person needing you, and you helping them, and as long at you're helping them, they are fine- but in all actuality, if it were anything else involved- because of your beliefs being different from theirs- they would have a major problem with even talking to you. Even worse, people who won't allow you to be of assistance to them because of you and them having different personal views. I was told "It doesn't matter who does it, if there is a problem or issue that needs to be resolved, as long as it's done right, who created the problem doesn't even matter- as long as the people who are willing to resolve it work together."

That came from my Mother & Father-"If you see something that needs to be done, and you can do it right- then just do it..." It's not like that now- everyone is to blame for the shortcomings of someone else. I'm not settled in my spirit with that being a primary reason for me doing something or not. Please believe, if I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it with all that I've go, and will always make it my business to learn what I need to learn to do it correctly. The knowledge I seek is beyond me, beyond what people see or even what I see sometimes myself, but so far I'm ready to take on the challenge that has been set before me.

My mind is worn out with alot of things- but one thing that I'm fully aware of: I AM THE STARTER & FINISHER OF MY OWN DESTINY BEING FULFILLED! Whether long term goals being worked on with diligence or short term trials being successfully conquered- it's my choice either to allow someone hinder that or even more importantly and extremely more detrimental, me allowing myself to continue to not have enough faith in myself and the power that I have over my own life to make the best of it. I have never been a person to run away from a fight or challenge- and so, I'm going to use that same characteristic when it comes to this. My future is filled with good things- and I know what has to be done to gain a permanent place in this world. I can change alot, just through me and I only want to work with others who are willing, ready and able to get off their asses and help make a difference. We are tired of people stating the problems but not coming up with resolutions. I have came to far now to sit down on my desiny-- I'm just going to do it.....

Destined For A Second Chance...

Destined For A Second Chance...

I found myself waking up from the glare of the light that came rushing through my eastern window accompanied by a gentle morning breeze. The scent of a new day- much needed and yet dreaded at the same time. My head was still pounding out the island music from last night; still dizzy from the Caribbean mixes that my friend girl, Jenn created off the top of her silly little head. I was slammed; Not wanting to face the day, unless it was spent throwing up what I ingested yesterday. I pulled in as many pillows as I could in one swoop as I rolled over to suffocate my miserable soul. I covered my face, took a deep breath, and realized that there was no use in knocking myself off- I kinda' like me! This was despite the excessive consumption of food and alcohol that could have caused internal damages.

I had a perfectly reasonable excuse for my prior actions that led up to this moment of headache and nausea. It was the 6th month anniversary of my being single and the 3rd month of celibacy. Well, technically- it would be 3 months for both. The fact is is that when me and my ex split- we were still intimate, even more so after we split up than when were in the relationship. It was as if we wanted to give each other something to remember. You know, sorta go out with a big bang. Boy, did we bang! Just like all fireworks after the main event, things faded and we decided to stop confusing the situation any further and allow each other the space it took to move on with our lives. Thus, leaving me in the dilemma I'm currently in: SINGLE - HUNGOVER- HORNY- and above all.... LONELY.

Bret was one of those guys that everyone who knew you wanted in their lives. He was charming, sensitive, openly affectionate and could make just about anyone laugh. We sorta met by accident; even though, now I don't believe in such a thing as accidents. To make a long story short, we were together for four years after we first set eyes on each other. Three of those years was spent living together here in this loft; leading to the tragic ending of a pretty great relationship. He and I had a weird way of expressing our love for one another and when he wanted to take it further, it seemed impossible to me to do so without creating an awkward situation for the both of us.

See, I'm the VP of my fashion design company of 6 years and marriage just wasn't in my life's plans at such an early time. Bret, on the other hand, wanted to settle down and create a family that I couldn't imagine myself having so prematurely. We decided that since we were on two different routes to fulfill our desires, that it would be best if we just went our separate ways and not cause anymore damage to either of our egos. All it seemed to be was constant debates about the future and what we both wanted that with each other we couldn't seem to have.

I still love him... I often think about how things would have been if I had agreed to become his wife. He and I were always able to work through our differences with everything else except this one issue. It's as if this one thing meant the world to him and I was too wrapped up in my own world to even consider becoming a permanent part of his. I can say it's my fault. Looking over at his side of the bed or what used to be- I can remember watching him sleep after we've made love. I can still smell him; his aroma is a part of my permanent memories. Every time I close my eyes, I can see recorded imagery of the best of times we've shared. Laughing and interacting with one another. He filled my empty spaces in every way and gave me something to smile about - even when I didn't have a known reason to smile. We could never argue about anything without coming to the conclusion that you can't argue and laugh at the same time. He was always cracking jokes and making faces that made our differences a thing of the past almost instantly. He genuinely adored every inch of me and catered to me in such a way that made my girlfriends envious of me. All my friends were single, and my best friend Jenn was a victim of a horrible marriage that ended in her almost killing her ex-husband in order for her to survive the beatings. I'm scared I guess.

Love was always said to be a hard thing to get and keep. Bret made it the easiest for me. If anything, I made it hard for him to love me... I wonder if I made a mistake. Could he have been the one for me? I mean, I'm still finding myself wanting to be in his arms. I haven't even dated since we decided to call everything off- just couldn't do it. I have commitment on my list of "importunates", and since him, I have never wanted to be committed before. Now, that's all I can think about. If he were here, I would ask him to forgive me, to work with me because I want him in my life for always. I would make sure that his love for me was acknowledged and appreciated each and everyday. My life without him isn't complete, with him away from me. I glanced over at my cell phone to see 3 missed calls. Two was from Jenn and the last was from Bret. How come I didn't hear the phone ring? What in the hell did Jenn put in those mixed drinks? Most importantly, now that I think about it-- How did I get home last night?

I looked to see that the phone was on silent mode. My voicemail box held two messages. The first was from Jenn a lil' over an hour ago. "Girl, I'm glad that you and Bret are trying to work through your differences and you finally stopped being stubborn and decided to let that man love you and be the man he needs to be for you. Don't be missing for the whole weekend. Let me know if he gave you some. Lord knows, you need it. Later sweetness!" So, speechless at the message I had just heard, I missed the automated cue to save or delete the message. The second was from Bret's cell, around midnight last night. "Hey! Shannon, I got your message. I'm just getting off work now. I'm on my way to Jenn's to pick you up. I love you too. I can't stand being apart from you any longer either. I should be there within the next 10-15 minutes. Traffic is a little crazy with this thunderstorm and all. Again, I love you dearly and I'll be there soon." I hung up the phone as quickly as I could and begin to dial Jenn's number to find out if this was a joke or not. Someone was going to get cursed the hell out.

As the phone rang- I rushed to my feet and headed towards my bedroom door. I opened it and as I was coming out, Bret and I collided causing the phone to fly across the room. He was able to catch balance and keep the hot green tea on the tray from burning either of us. He grabbed me with the other arm to keep me from falling flat on the floor. "Wooooeeee! Didn't expect to see you up for a few more hours. Jennevieve told me that you really drank a hell of a lot last night. You called me to come get you- saying that you wanted to talk about giving it another try or---" I stopped him from speaking, placing my hand over his mouth and pulling him back into the bedroom, almost spilling the green tea everywhere. Tears flowing down my face, with my heart in my throat, I looked him straight in his eyes and said "Yes!" He looked at me as if I had made his darkest night light up like the daytime. "Yes, you want to try again; Be friends; What?" No other words could come from me. I held out my hand to him and said once more, "YES!" He reached around his his neck and took off his necklace. When he pulled it from underneath his shirt, it had the rings that he had purchased more than 7 months ago. He almost broke the chain for pulling so hard on the engagement ring that was attached to it. He looked in my eyes, and I in his.

Bret slowly and cautiously slid the ring on my finger. He looked up at me again, as if preparing himself for a tragic event to occur. I saw the pain I caused him with my selfishness. He didn't want to be hurt again. Even though he had been before, by me, he was still willing to offer his love to me despite what happened in the past. "Will You--?" I never allow him to finish. "With all my heart, YES!" He jumped up from the bed and yelled like he had just won the lottery. I just sat looking and loving this man who I had almost lost forever. He reached back and pulled me close to him. I could hear his heart beat ferociously as we shared no words, just the moment. We began to kiss and indulge in the taste of the love we almost didn't have. In my heart, I thanked the Creator for another chance to love Bret.

All that was left to say was I love you, repeatedly; And we did say it, repeatedly. "What happened to the phone?" I turned to see that the phone had landed right next to the bed where I was sitting earlier. "Hello, Jenn?" She was laughing and screaming at the same time. "I'm here girl! Tell Bret that he has to do whatever he's gonna' do. We got some wedding planning to take care of. You two can't hunch all damn day!" I just smiled, looked up and kissed the lips of the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was fortunate to have it all, and to have a second chance to correct the path of a love that could have been lost....


© 2008-09 Kanday Reign. All Rights Reserved.

Like...

We are-- whole; to sit and watch our love unfold,

Was like-- like a dream.

I was never able to touch it before,

But, now it seems, that every time I look at you -

I can see-- US

Never me being alone again.

Still trying to find the words from deep within'--

To make sense of this "rude" awakenin'.

See, with you, it's like-- like LOVE.

Not first love, but loving all over again.

Like when you're wise enough not to make those mistakes

That left you alone in the first place.

Like just sitting there next to you

Pretending to watch a movie

But finding myself daydreaming and starring in your face!

Like being turned on by a simple smile, or touch,

Leaving me stranded with my constant thoughts of lust!

See, when we are around each other, it's hard to describe,

Something sorta like, in our past lives,

We were from the same tribe.

Like I was created and raised to be compatible with you,

Like The Most High and our Parents already knew.

Just being in your presence makes me happy,

Even though you may not think so,

I'm in love with US, and can't wait to know

How far this US -thing will go

I'm willing to take the time it takes to see what shows

As long as I have your sunshine

that gives US the strength to grow.